My Personal Clusterfuck

Irritation has been a very reliable sidekick to me for an unhealthy chunk of my adult life. It manifest itself in many forms, and spawns from the most predictable places. Matter of fact, its predictable nature is its primary tool for gear grinding - more on that later.

I have very little patience, period - I cannot stress that enough through speech, let alone text. I have even less to entertain mundane questions about how my day was, or what I ate for lunch. Being social is not a prerequisite to the human experience, at least not to the point that people are forced to reciprocate babbling about nothing - more on that later.

I consider myself fairly "considerate" sorta, I guess. I try to accommodate advances from the people who surround me the best I can, because even I'm not that fuckin cynical to not understand that "How was your day" is just a synonym for "I give a damn about you, not the cosign my loan give a damn, but I hope your not plotting mass genocide give a damn" My considerate nature wrestles with my impatience all the time. The end result, is well - more on that later.

Irritation always runs its course, sorta like a flu virus. Once it cannot infect me further, it influences me to seek an anti-virus. This could be in the form of someone I enjoy conversing with on the phone, Twitter, exercising, Xbox, TV, alcohol, etc.. More often than not, my "solution" turns out to be fools gold. I'm my own Devils advocate, so I have a tendency to question whether I'm genuinely cured, or is my irritation just waiting to reemerge later like herpes. The difference is slight, and hard to detect, so now I'm neither irritated or happy, I'm suspicious. Suspicion restarts the cycle.

I could (literally) write a book on what irritates Tracy, life provides me an all you can eat buffet. Lately, however, I've been a bit preoccupied with learning the purposes of these things, and more importantly, how to strengthen myself from them. My sidekick is very reliable, repetitious even. This is helpful because sometimes I need to be beat over the head a bit in order for a message to get across. My cordial disposition and my impatience clash alot, but it provides balance. Whatever I attempt in life, whether its blogging, basketball, or Call of Duty, I want to excel at it. I would rather sideline myself and spectate than be "average" That desire fused with my impatience fuels my work ethic. My teetering demeanor helps me be creative, and motivates me to contribute my 2 cents to the www. Hence this blog.

One day I'll fit the correct pieces together, apply it at the right time, while meeting the right person/s and lighting will strike - hopefully I'll have a mason jar and lid handy to capture it. Of course that will only bring about a new cycle, one with less irritation and less shit to gripe about, learn, or write about. I'll embrace it when it happens because the purpose of that is growth, which IS necessary to the human experience.

Wow, before I sign off, 2 things I want to mention. This "thing", you know, that huge body of text preceding this, spawned from a few random thoughts I jotted down on Twitter. The other thing, my reference to getting "beat over the head" sparked a direct memory to a Cosby Show episode where Bill Cosby had Theo put a pot over his head, and hit the pot repeatedly while saying "I will pay more attention to my woman" I was young as hell when I 1st saw that episode, and I'm only now as of writing this understanding the point of that. Worthless Life Lessons indeed.