My Personal Clusterfuck

Irritation has been a very reliable sidekick to me for an unhealthy chunk of my adult life. It manifest itself in many forms, and spawns from the most predictable places. Matter of fact, its predictable nature is its primary tool for gear grinding - more on that later.

I have very little patience, period - I cannot stress that enough through speech, let alone text. I have even less to entertain mundane questions about how my day was, or what I ate for lunch. Being social is not a prerequisite to the human experience, at least not to the point that people are forced to reciprocate babbling about nothing - more on that later.

I consider myself fairly "considerate" sorta, I guess. I try to accommodate advances from the people who surround me the best I can, because even I'm not that fuckin cynical to not understand that "How was your day" is just a synonym for "I give a damn about you, not the cosign my loan give a damn, but I hope your not plotting mass genocide give a damn" My considerate nature wrestles with my impatience all the time. The end result, is well - more on that later.

Irritation always runs its course, sorta like a flu virus. Once it cannot infect me further, it influences me to seek an anti-virus. This could be in the form of someone I enjoy conversing with on the phone, Twitter, exercising, Xbox, TV, alcohol, etc.. More often than not, my "solution" turns out to be fools gold. I'm my own Devils advocate, so I have a tendency to question whether I'm genuinely cured, or is my irritation just waiting to reemerge later like herpes. The difference is slight, and hard to detect, so now I'm neither irritated or happy, I'm suspicious. Suspicion restarts the cycle.

I could (literally) write a book on what irritates Tracy, life provides me an all you can eat buffet. Lately, however, I've been a bit preoccupied with learning the purposes of these things, and more importantly, how to strengthen myself from them. My sidekick is very reliable, repetitious even. This is helpful because sometimes I need to be beat over the head a bit in order for a message to get across. My cordial disposition and my impatience clash alot, but it provides balance. Whatever I attempt in life, whether its blogging, basketball, or Call of Duty, I want to excel at it. I would rather sideline myself and spectate than be "average" That desire fused with my impatience fuels my work ethic. My teetering demeanor helps me be creative, and motivates me to contribute my 2 cents to the www. Hence this blog.

One day I'll fit the correct pieces together, apply it at the right time, while meeting the right person/s and lighting will strike - hopefully I'll have a mason jar and lid handy to capture it. Of course that will only bring about a new cycle, one with less irritation and less shit to gripe about, learn, or write about. I'll embrace it when it happens because the purpose of that is growth, which IS necessary to the human experience.

Wow, before I sign off, 2 things I want to mention. This "thing", you know, that huge body of text preceding this, spawned from a few random thoughts I jotted down on Twitter. The other thing, my reference to getting "beat over the head" sparked a direct memory to a Cosby Show episode where Bill Cosby had Theo put a pot over his head, and hit the pot repeatedly while saying "I will pay more attention to my woman" I was young as hell when I 1st saw that episode, and I'm only now as of writing this understanding the point of that. Worthless Life Lessons indeed.

A Small Deviation from Protocol

I'm referring to this as a "deviation" because this particular lesson isn't worthless at all. Its something that I've learned recently, about 11 days ago actually. It dawned on me that I've spent the greater half of the last 7 months or so conflicting with her, rather than appreciating her. Sometimes she would "over react" to things I felt were trivial. but, all she would ever ask for was help - help with the kids, help with keeping the house - small things. I would rather focus on what I deemed important, which mainly came in the form of financial assistance.

I was way too stubborn to even entertain the idea that my own train of thought was anything less than the gospel - unwilling to bend and meet halfway. There were quite few nights where she would lay in bed staring at the back of my head while I sat holding a controller/remote/or keyboard. I imagine a small amount of my attention just before she went to sleep would have sufficed - BUT - Before I completely villainize myself, I feel that I must at least mention that opposing party wasn't exactly the most compromising either, but I digress...

Rather than celebrating our relationship, a lot of time was spent with petty bickering. I could have told her how much I admire her courage, tenacity, and unwavering loyalty toward me, and her family. I got comfortable, and took for granted what I believed would always be waiting for me.

and now its too late.

May She Always R.I.P.
Mia Ann Marie Winstead
January 2, 1977 - February 28, 2009

We'll kick it again someday.

Obama First Presidential Address

Its a shame that BO is thrust into an economical nightmare before he even has a chance to fully unpack all his shit at the White House, but, it is what it is. He stammered, stuttered, and paused quite a bit. If you're a supporter of BO like I am(and I hope that you are) then you will take it has him being candid, and speaking from the heart - maybe even being a tad nervous, after all, who else is more overwhelmed by his accomplishment than he is. If you are a detractor(and most likely racist) then you're probably licking your chops at the first sign of "weakness". Choose a side.

Just Got a New Phone

The G1 by Google, aka the HTC Dream - the first phone to use the Android's OS. I find it (slightly) ironic that it took internet upstart Google to bring the desktop experience to the smart phone market. How they managed to accomplish this before heavyweights Apple and MS is beyond me, but I'm happy about it nonetheless.

It features a suite of Google applications with seamless integration, fully customizable home screen that allows you to create folders then drag and drop like you would on your PC, and a healthy 3rd party application market that gets larger by the day. For 400 bucks w/o a contract, 179 subsidized, it was a no brainer. I also get 3G whenever I head up top(DC) to visit my folks. As I'm sure everyone already knows, Google owns myspace, youtube, AND blogger.com - which I personally just found out today(I'm a lil late, I know) - and now these bastards have a device thats compatible with most of their products attached to the hip of about a million people worldwide. The big G is planning world domination.

Worthless Intro

Not much to say here at all. Every now and then I'll post a movie, an album, or a mixtape just keep things interesting - and worthless.