Muscle Memory

It had been slightly less than 48 hours since I moved into my new apartment. I also threw quite a bit of the condiments and seasonings I accumulated over the last 13 months or so in the trash, all because I was too lazy to pack them. That single act of bad judgement meant I would be making a run to the store to replenish, which ironically required more effort than just packing them in the first place. I purchased the stuff I needed, and headed home. Walked up 3 flights of stairs of building 9717 and opened the door marked 3E. Seconds upon entering, I noticed my place was completely gutted. Not a ounce of furniture in sight.

The problem was I didn't live in 9717 anymore. I moved to a smaller apartment just around the corner, on the first floor. My entire physical being was simply following familiar protocol. I stood there for 2 minutes and had a small laugh at myself, courtesy of myself, then contemplated what else I'm currently doing in my life simply out of routine.

My goal this summer, is to deliver small shocks to my senses, miniature reality checks, gentle shoulder taps I'd you will, just to make sure I'm not still on autopilot. Sort of like those annoying Netflix interruptions that ask if you're still there. I want to clearly discern being alive versus just living.

An Email to Sonje

Ya know, the first time you visited me from NY, you stayed with me overnight. It

was great. Later on, you would come, and stay with me at my moms crib.

Eventually you moved in with your Grandad, and I was over there often

as well. I grinded hard as hell to have enough money just so I could travel to

see you, and make sure I could take you out and show you a good time.

I stayed with you at a den at your friends house, we rented a basement together, and then, an apartment. We've been consumed by eachother for so long...

....I made an analogy about you being an extra limb tahat weighs me

down. Fast forward about week, I'm able to describe you more

accurately. Your more like a kidney-because much like a kidney, the

effects of only having one are not necessarily seen in the short term.

If you're suprised at the person I've been behaving like as of late,

then that makes 2 of us. However, you've been very intrinsic to my

life for quite some time, and not even I could anticipate what its

like to not have you around.

Anyway, that was just something I wanted to say. I emailed because it

allowed me to produce my thoughts fluidly and coherently without

getting too emotional. Short story before I finish tho...

...I was with Quinton one day this summer, I had my red bandana in my

right pocket, anxious to tell people about the story of the Bloods who

backed down the looters in Ferguson. I ran into a young lady at the

DTLR, she commented about it. I gladly told her my story.

She gave me the "that sounds great, but I'm either too uninteresed or

too stupid to acknowledge." face. She hardly even knew what was going

on in Ferguson. Basically, she was just flirting. I came home and was

so happy that the girl I laid next to understood the gravity of such

an occurance. You being an "intrinsic" part of my life was good and

bad. Good because I liked being around you (I know,it wasn't like that

ALL of the time) but it was also bad, because I took it for granted.

The jerk store called, and they're running out of you

Click here to jump straight to start of the actual commercial

Remember this awesome guy? He was in an awful car accident, bought a Bow Flex and lost all the weight he gained from being immobile for 2 years. He got in such great shape that he "gave all his fat clothes to his fat friends".What kind of jerkhole shit is that to say?? Pride of personal achievment and humility don't have to be mutually exclusive. Its as if the more you love yourself, the less you love everyone else.Think back to pretty much every teen movie ever made where there's an uncool kid who becomes cool, then curves all of his friends who loved him/her when they were lame.

I have this theory I've been cultivating for a couple of decades. It's pretty simple, really. Its a theory that states that an overwhelmig majority of our human race falls into one of two jerk categories:You basically are one, or waiting to become one. You have your every day garden variety who embraced their jerk role from birth, OR, you have our aformentioned Bow Flex friend who's jerk gene laid dormant until he became more confident about himself. THAT guy, is one the worst because he hid his jerkness behind tradegy,which makes it difficult for you to point out the fact that's he's being a jerk without looking like one yourself.

The origin of my theory began in elementary school. I was young, and I convinced my mother to let me bring my Transformers to school in hopes to one up the competition on show and tell day. The only damper of the day, was the unfortunate news that one of my classmates lost his home, and all of his things in a fire. The teacher put emphasis on the class to be a little extra nice to the kid on that day. Didn't seem like too unreasonable of a request considering the circumstances. Anyway, post show and tell we all get some play time with our toys, and the fire kid was being a little obnoxious. This nigga snatched my Transformer without asking, and was being far too aggressive transforming my Ultra Magnus into truck form. I forceably took my shit back from him, just like my father would have wanted me to. He responded... by snitching on me. He tells the teacher what had happened, (obviously)omitting his role in the mini altercation. She decided without hearing anything I had to say that it would be fair if not only he got play with my Transformer, but that he also got to get a free punch courtesy of my arm, with no retaliation..This moment was one of several that made me the jerk I am today.

Lets wrap this up with some facts and observations about this theory of mine: I'm the type of jerk of who often has an unyielding stance on my own opinions. This was created by situations where I was overruled by elders who just assumed their age made them right by default, or angry mobs of 2nd graders like in Ultra Magnus-gate. Situations where I was asked, and in some cases demanded to reconsider my stance, only to find out later, that I shouldn't have. I'm aware that I sometimes go too far with this, and its something I'm working on, ergo: don't trip, he aint through with me yet. The title was obviously inspired by George Costanza, which may not be so obvious if you're not familiar with Seinfeld. Also, I used the word "jerk" 10 times in this post, not including the title. Hope I wasn't too redundant.

My New Thing That I like Alot

First off, I'd like to offer this brief introduction to those who have been visiting here long enough to notice the gaping hole of submissions from now, to.."whenever I last decided to post something on my blog" day. My hiatus was mostly because I didn't like my pattern of negativity. I mean, I know the title of the blog has the word "Worthless" in it, but still. I'd like to spend some virtual ink musing about A) happier themes B) present day stuff.

NOW, with that out of the way, I'd like to speak on my new favorite thing. I dub thee, "The Near Miss." Its basically the rush of hanging from the very string of failure/success. The outcome has become irrelevant to me, since I'm pretty sure my life is part of some cosmic gag reel anyway. My entire 2011 was full of them. Moments where I could have tucked securely into the warmth of safety were exchanged for daring car chases. Moments where I could have extinguished doubt with a single word or phrase, were replaced with a cloak and a dagger. 

Ever see 28 Days Later? People were infected with "rage" it was pretty much the zombie Apocalypse...in the UK. Remember the scene near the end where homie goes HAM and starts beating the breaks off the soldier dude? I mean, he took both his thumbs and pushed the poor guys eyeballs into his skull for christsakes - behavior that could easily be misinterpreted as someone infected with said "rage." With his female companion witnessing his brutality, horrified, she grabs her machete, ready to defend herself. NOW, Mr. Ham could have easily just been like "hey, I'm not infected, I'm just mad this nigga left me out in the rain to die nshit" BUT NO , he rushes up to her as if he's gonna push her eyeballs in next. She cocks back her machete but checks her swing just before the chop, which allows him to deliver a witty one liner.

THATS my new favorite thing. Its the coke to my Scarface. That thin line(<--see what I did there) between celebration and catastrophe, with a bunch of witty one liners sandwiched between. Anyway, I hope someone out there enjoys reading my ramblings, because I plan on doing more of it. 

I wrote this with Dilla on repeat. 

The Beginning. The End. The Next.

Big light eyes, curly light hair, playful, and a bit of a momma's boy, Ky Mani Ja'Quade Henderson was born February 28th 2009 at 7lb and 6 ozees. Note to all potential criticism of the child's name: It has purpose, so chill. We just call him "Mani" for short, anyway. One day me and my cousins/ his uncles decided to ambush him with couch pillows whenever he entered the living room. It seemed like a great idea at the time since we lacked cable television. We got him twice, but he would not allow a 3rd, since on the 3rd attempt he came back with a toy shotgun. Where the hell did a 2 year old boy learn that from, C-Murder? Get kicked out the club, come back with a gun and air shit out. I definitely had a talk with his mother about that, but not before laughing hysterically for a good 10 minutes.

Brown skin, loving eyes, and always with much to say, Mia Winstead left us on February 28th 2009. Sometimes referred to as Mamma Mia because of her motherly nature, which was sometimes interpreted as nagging from those not paying attention-present company included. One of her more popular reoccurring gripes was her bed. It was an old ass California King, lumpy as hell, teetering a thin line between bedroom furniture and landfill fodder. I, on the other hand still had the sweet taste of victory from upgrading from floor, to love seat, to couch, so to me, any bed would suffice. Needless to say, it was a tough pill to swallow seeing so much of our money go towards that, instead of an LED TV, or a new cellphone that I didn't need. On February 28th, 2009 she got her wish, and I got to see her in rare form, relief. It washed over both of us like a tidal wave. 

Dark skin, watery eyes, and at a loss for words, I sat in our packed house the day before her funeral. I was in our bedroom, upstairs, trying to ignore the chants outside my window to come out. I was in the middle of a heated NBA 2K battle where I lost by 3 points after failing to score before time expired. Frustrated over my defeat, I decide to head outside to see what the fuss was about. About 5 of my closest friends and relatives frantically try to describe to me the rainbow that was seemingly perched atop of the roof of our townhome. Unfortunately I came too late, and it was gone. but before I could climb one step to reenter the house, it reappeared. It was just as they described. Hovering right above the roof our row of houses, close enough to poke with a stick. It was like she came back just for me, as if to say, I'm ok. Her timing was impeccable. 

Permanent Ink

If you're familiar with the phrase, or something similar, "I have no friends, only associates" then raise your right hand. Everyone who personally feels that they have more associates than actual friends, then accompany your right hand, with your left. Assuming I sat before a classroom the size of 20, I wouldn't surprise me to see 40 arms and 100 fingers stretched toward the ceiling.

My question to the classroom would begin and end, simply with the word, "why?" If there was ever an area of your life that needed as little gray as possible, it would be this area. Granted, some is necessary to define professional relationships, but that's not really what I'm talking about here. I imagine someone who has achieved the ever coveted title as "friend" is someone you would trust to watch your children, confide in, take the stand and lie for, dive in front of a bullet Kevin Costner style, etc, etc.. but what lane does that leave for the associate? Someone you....know? Someone who does, or can potentially do something to benefit you in the future?

In my perfect world (which unfortunately, has yet to exist) I have 0 associates. Only friends. I don't just hoard acquaintances. I also have 0 interest in being cordial just for the sake of being. We're either good, or not. Being the latter, doesn't make us enemies, oh no, quite the contrary.Its just means I have no interest in keeping you on the shelf till you're needed like dusty holiday decorations. My indifference towards you may actually be the kindest gesture you'll ever receive.

Its a game that I'm guilty of playing myself, almost without knowing. Its like awakening in the middle of a footrace with no memory as to how you got there, or why you're running. All you know is that you don't wanna lose. Any friendship I make, I intend on it staying with me always. Beneath layers of skin, permanently like a tattoo. I find this harder to do everyday, because I'm frequently surrounded by single serving acquaintances brandishing #2 pencils with erasers. Why even bother?

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I don't really know what to call this

so lets just call it a "pleasant chain reaction." Plans of larceny are easily conceived in a house with empty cupboards . Ditto for the will to carry them out. I will 86 the details of this plan, not to avoid self incrimination, but I feel that it would only detract from the merit of this particular story. I will just call it "plan B" This plan's contingency hindered upon the failure of plan A. It was pretty simple, over draft my bank card at the local Bloom Grocery store with enough food to hopefully last till the end of the week. If that didn't work, then use the 5 bucks or so we had between the 2 of us to get a loaf of bread, peanut butter and jelly so the women and kids back at the homestead can get their PB&J on while we executed "Plan B" My card was declined. No ground turkey, spaghetti noodles, chicken, steaks, eggs, etc for us tonight. I know the cashier was pissed at us for that, heh. Anyway, we walked out the store, down and out, armed with enough negativity to stick up a Girl Scout for her Samoans until some guy rushes up behind us, arm extended, grocery bag of ground turkey and noodles in hand.

He was the guy behind us in line. Said to us "I've been there before, I couldn't buy all of it, but maybe this will help. God Bess y'all." If I had a pen and pad handy, I could have made an impromptu list of all the possible scenarios that would have played out that night, this one wouldn't have made the top 50. A true testament to the frame of mind I was working with at that time. This one, unexpected act of kindness from some random good Samaritan wasn't exactly enough to fill the fridge, but it  did give us new perspective. I now had new scenarios to add to my list - ones that didn't involve penitentiary chances. 

We called it a night, got and in the car and went home and talked about what had happened during the ride back. About 10 days later, I was able to secure a MUCH better gig, and my roommate came up on some extra cash when he sold his car for a few stacks. All of our problems weren't solved, but it was more than enough to keep us out of the desperation zone for quite some time, and it all started from one small gesture of kindness from a complete stranger. You never know the significance of your actions, however big or small. His may have prevented someone from getting hurt, who knows. The things you say or do, have the potential to build or destroy. Imagine how accomplished our species would be if we focused our power on the former?