How Wrestling Ruined My Childhood

Like many adolescents in the late 80's I was a pretty huge fan of Wrestling. I'd eagerly watch the matches with my cousin of the same age, sometimes even acting out what I saw on my TV screen. One day, I went to the gym to workout with my pops, and what do you know, there's a ring! An actual fuckin boxing ring like the one I've seen Ric Flair and Sting battle it out in. I didn't even bother to ask my father if I could go in, I just ran, hopped, and rolled under the bottom rope like I saw my favorite wrestlers do on TV all the time. The first thing I wanted to try out, was the ropes...

A very common part of wrestling, is wrestler 1 throws throws wrestler 2 into the ropes. Wrestler 2 bounces off the ropes, and usually ends up on the receiving end of a drop kick or clothesline from wrestler 1. Since this was a solo exercise, I decided to act out both parts by myself, which is what ultimately, killed my enthusiasm for the "sport" of wrestling from then on out. There was no automatic bounce off the rope, none at fuckin all. My brain which was only 6 years old at the time didn't take long for me to put 3 and 2 together - "the wrestlers weren't bouncing at all, they were purposely running into the clothesline themselves" WTF? Why would someone purposely clothesline themselves? Makes no sense now, made no sense 20 years ago. Ladies and gentleman, I had been had.

The final nail in the coffin came from GI Joe. Sgt. Slaughter was the most thoroughest Joe of them all, kicked much Cobra ass. I finally see the REAL Sgt. Slaughter in a WWF match, and saw that he was really just some old, fat, bald guy. A far cry from the "Real American Hero" I saw on TV. From then on out, I couldn't enjoy anything anymore, I was always questioning, everything. I gave away my GI Joes, my Transformers. and quit cartoons cold turkey. I just watched Sports Center with my pops, which is probably why I'm a damn sports encyclopedia to this day.

I am still this way now, but even worse. I can't even enjoy one of my favorite films, Kill Bill, without constantly wondering why Uma Thurman is going through all this trouble to knife fight Vivica when she could have just plugged one in her head the second she answered the door - or how the hell she come up on the cash to fly to Japan after waking up from a 4 year coma? Wrestling has robbed me of my innocence.